If you just allowed me to love you

It’s hard to imagine a life with someone else when I’ve been dreaming about you and me for while now. It hurts to think that you’ll eventually find someone new who will make you happier. And maybe I too, will find that happiness. It’s just that right now, now that I know it’s over. I feel sad. I wish you allowed me to love you. I wish I didn’t have to throw these emotions away. I wish you saw how special our time together felt for me. 

Still you 💔

I went to the mall today. It’s been a while, since the last time I’ve been there. I’ve been very busy, swamped with work lately I couldn’t even afford time to walk around those familiar places. I went inside a doughnut shop, I wanted a sweet treat cause I was feeling a little bit emotional. I got a churro-flavored doughnut. Weird right? I know. I didn’t know what kind of comfort I was looking for but somehow the churro-doughnut didn’t even made the cut. So, I continued my stroll. Passed by boutiques, and boutiques til my feet ache. 

I bought a perfume today. Your perfume. I sprayed it all over my bedsheet. Now I’m laying on top of it, covered by the scent of you, even my pillows smell like you. It’s nice. It’s almost like you’re here with me. Takes me back to the moments, our moments. How you used to care. 

Damn, I’m missing you. 

You 💔

So, I’m going to forget about you. The way I did to all the guys who made me feel special but eventually, left. I’m gonna forget about the way you made me feel, how we used to spend quality time together. I’m gonna forget the attention you once gave me, freely. I’m gonna forget the smile on your face whenever we see each other, and the way you would wink at me in a crowd when nobody is looking. I’m gonna forget the way you hold my hands. And how the things we did together used to be so sweet. Because you’re not worth it. You’re not the one I would let myself fall head over heels for. No, you’re not him. 

Your love is a storm

I couldn’t just forget about you. No, it’s not that easy. You left an imprint. It’s the way you use your words, that’s crawling slowly and smoothly all over my skin, lacing through to my fingertips. You created an impact. Like tires screeching against the pavement. Brutally loud and seeking attention. 
You’re not a silent wind, not a typical summer rain. You’re a hurricane. A typhoon. No matter how prepared I am for a strong rain like you, I could have never been fully-equipped for how hard you’ll hit me. And you did. Oh boy, you sure did. You hit me hard. I’m left devastated. Broken in so many places. Now, I’m trying to piece myself back together. And then, I wonder.
I wonder if I ever made you feel the feelings you crave. If I ever made you feel the connection I thought we had. I guess not. I don’t know.
But maybe that’s what you’ll always be. A passing storm. I hope you never return.

💭

I want to know what kind of friends we are. Will you be there for me when I’m feeling low? When I say I need you, will you come to me and ask me why? Are we the type who’d swore never to fall in love with each other? or are we just waiting for a sign for us to know that we’re meant to be together? Do you feel sad whenever I’m sad? And feel happier whenever I am? Can I call you my soulmate? my angel? Will you be mad at me for doing stupid things? And at the same time be my partner in crime? Will you protect me from people who hurt me? And support me at everything I do? Do you really just think of me as a friend and nothing more? Am I your best friend? Your go-to person? Will you tell me everything, even about the women you sleep with? Will you listen to my stories as much as I listen to yours? Is there no chance for us to cross that line? That someday one day I can call you mine? If you get hurt, will you come to me? Knowing that I’ll be here for you? Will you think of me as a safe house? Your comfort zone? See. Everything about us confuses me. There’s this unknown distance between you and me. But it is what it is, that much is clear. And what’s meant to be, will be. x

Today

I was never a morning person by default. I’d have to drag myself out of bed after several snoozes on my alarm clock before my body gets the hint that it’s time to get up. I don’t hate mornings though, in fact, I love the idea of mornings. I like the positivity it sets off, like you’re given a fresh start to do new things. 

I take the train every morning on my way to work. Most of the time the queue to finally ride one is hella crazy but no point on complaining because I choose to ride it anyway. On these moments, my mind would often drift away. Wishing I was somewhere else. 

By the time I arrive at the drop off station, I would normally walk to my office if I have enough time. It’s a 30-minute walk, I’d have to pass by three malls, walk through the underground pass then get past several buildings before I reach my work place. I like walking. It makes me think alone. 

I set up my laptop, get the files I need and prepare myself for another day at work. I’m usually cranky in the morning, so I always need my daily dose of caffeine to boost my energy. I walk to the pantry, press a button on the coffee maker and wait for my freshly brewed cafe latte. As soon as I finish my cup, I’m good to last atleast half the day. 

By mid afternoon, I’m giving my laptop a blank stare. A sheet of paper in front of me, a red-inked pen in hand and… nothing. My mind’s not here right now, I thought. I am thinking of him. I told myself that I would stop thinking about him this way. But how do I do that? How will I control a dumb-headed thing such as “feelings”? How will I command my feelings to stop feeling the way it feels for him? He makes me question things and not in a bad way. He makes me want to be better without making me feel any less. 

After work, I pack up my stuff. All set, I head towards the main entrance. This day is about to end, I thought. I press the ground floor button of the elevator, wait as the lift takes me from the 26th floor down to the ground. I walked the same distance from my office building to the train station. This time though, I took a different route, passing through the same three malls I always pass by in the mornings. 

I walk alone. Thinking again. Wishing someday soon, that he will walk me to the train station, ask how my day went so I wouldn’t have to blog about it. And hoping that, as we walk that 30-minute distance, he will hold my hand. x

Morning coffee thoughts

I want to write something about you. Or just, I want to write about you. I know I’ve written loads before but never how I really feel and how I find you so special to me. I don’t know, whenever I start, I just can’t think of anything right to say. I’m a blank sheet and I just stare into the vast white empty space with… nothing. It’s like the galaxies inside my head suddenly vanished. But the feeling inside is still whole. It’s just that I can’t seem to express it. Even now, now that I’m drinking my morning cup of coffee and I’m thinking about you. I still don’t know how to describe how I feel. You may think, maybe it’s simple. Just admit that I have already fallen for you, maybe that’s the easiest thing to do. But that would be like giving out an answer with no solution to support it. I would always ask myself “Where did that come from?” Yes, maybe I do feel that way. But is that enough? Is that enough for you to feel the same way about me? x

Can I ask you a favor?

Please don’t stop being so nice to me. I don’t mind the attention, I don’t mind being the person you confide in. I really like talking to you, you know that. I don’t care whether we talk about our careers or life or love or silly non-sense stuff. I just love talking to you. Honestly, I don’t know how I’ll feel if this stops. I feel so attached, I don’t think it would be easy for me if that ever happens. You’ve been a constant person in my life for quite a while, and just thinking about that all this closeness we have might one day crash to the ground, like a sand castle, feels like all kinds of sadness is being poured down on me at once. I want to save this. Whatever this is. This friendship. I want to keep it. Forever if that’s possible. x

Afternoon tea.

I don’t know how you do it but, you do. You just get my crazy-girl attitude. You know when I’m being foolish and when I’m being serious. I know there are more sides of me you do not know yet. But I never feel pressured to reveal myself with you, it almost feel like it’s the most natural thing to do. I know we joke a lot, our sense of humor, most of the times, sort of jives. And we really do click. Makes me wonder whatelse is missing then? Why can’t I just be the girl you fall head-over-heels for? I know I sound crazy. Cause why would I ask you that? Why would I ask someone that? I want to experience this same feeling from someone who thinks about me just the same. You tell me all your girl problems. Well, guess what. I really want to tell you about mine, too. But how will I do that? where will I start? If it’s always been you, it’s always been about you. x

I promise not to fall in love with you.

I promise not to fall in love with you. I promise myself that instead of falling in love with you, I’d rather be your side-kick, your partner-in-crime, your go-to person, your bestfriend. 

I realize falling in love with someone is bounded by so many rules, but I want to be hardcore for once. I don’t want to follow the rules, I want to break them. I want to feel the excitement I get whenever we reach that point where I almost slip an “I love you” in the middle of our conversation. I want to highten the jealousy I feel whenever we talk about the girls you like. I want to keep the confusions to further confuse me. Because I’m obviously mad. Mad about not being the person you’d want to fall for. Maybe I just don’t know it. I mean, yeah, sometimes you make me feel like I’m the most important person in the world. But I can’t assume that. I can’t just act like I’m some significant person in your life just because you make me feel like I am. Everything has to be pointed out, don’t you think? I don’t know how long we could stay like this. But everytime we talk, every single time, I always think about how this could go on forever and I won’t even get sick of it. Maybe I have a thing about the things I can’t have. Maybe I’m a sucker for those kind of stuff. I wish one day you’ll realize this too. That it’s me. It’s been me all along. I hope I can say I crossed my fingers behind when I made that promise not to fall in love with you. x